Thanksgiving Thoughts

So, about 20 years ago after having had so many upper respiratory things like bronchitis, pneumonia and sinusitis over and over a smart doctor thought I should see a hematologist to try to figure out why. He figured out I had a fairly rare condition called Common Variable Immune Deficiency (CVID). Basically, my body just doesn’t make all the immunoglobulins that a normal person has. So I get a lot of weird infections.

The good news is that people can get infusions of those gamma globulins extracted from donated blood and stand a lot better chance of living a somewhat normal life. So, I go to Vanderbilt Hospital once a month and get a product called Gammunex infused into my blood. It is a simple IV, doesn’t hurt and doesn’t affect me as far as how I feel. It just takes most of one of my days once a month. A small price to pay!

The infusions take place at Vanderbilt in the same suites where I got chemotherapy years ago when I had lymphoma. Every month when I go I sit in the waiting area with patients who are very sick. Some are probably getting some of the last treatment they will ever get. Some are doing clinical trials, having tried conventional chemo and/or radiation and not gotten better. They are often bald, wearing surgical masks to help prevent infections and have dark circles around their hollow eyes. I hurt for them.

To be honest, my reaction is always the same: I feel survivor’s guilt. I secretly don’t want them to know that I made it through what they are fighting and was spared. I want them to think I am one of them, just beginning the journey and not yet to the place where I lost my hair and struggled to find the energy to get up some days.

I not only remember how the chemo poison made me feel. I remember, most of all, wondering if I was getting better or worse. That’s one of the insidious aspects of cancer. It acts so silently.  That’s why you hear about people who have no idea they even have it until they are only a few weeks away from the end.

Today I am very thankful to have gotten better. I am thankful for the medicine I am getting as opposed to what I have gotten here before. I hope many of the lives and families represented in all the rooms around me have much to be thankful for when we all celebrate Thanksgiving.

If you or anyone that really matters to you is fighting that fight now you should know three things: 1) 1 out of 4 people will have cancer in their lifetime now so you are not alone 2) The medicines available are improving every day 3) I am a living testament to the fact that you can get well!

Happy Thanksgiving and I hope everyone eats too much and falls asleep watching a football game along with me.